Growing my teen


My teen daughter, Chantelle, has been craving McDonald’s “Cuppa-cake” dessert (I’m sure English-first-language South Africans only ever called it “pudding” when I was young?) and went as far as getting her boyfriend to get his mom to take them there for it,

but when she ordered, they told her it’s only for sale in the winter months.

So this morning, she decided to use some off her Sunday-TV-off-time to make microwave “cuppa cakes”.

I had pretty much everything she needed in the kitchen cupboard;

I am surprisingly organised and well-equipped for a “loser” (according to a certain part of society);

but oil and milk were low, and loo paper, too.

Thankfully I had enough money, so I sent her younger brother with her to the corner Spar to get a few groceries.

It’s a bit of a dodgy area, but I felt they were ready;

street-smart enough;

also, it’s a Sunday and many of the neighbours are at home and in their gardens.

When they got back, I was so impressed that Chantelle had risen to the challenge (she’s always been terrified of dealing with strangers) and also, that she’d chosen all the items according to what she’s learnt from spending so much time shopping with me.

As I praised her achievement with such awe and joy, she glowed and blossomed with confidence,

I swear she GREW, before my very eyes.

I’m absolutely loving parenthood,

more than ever, every year.

-Stef Stefanides


Narcissistic teen daughter


family can be poison

I just had a major temper tantrum when I discovered my fifteen year old Chantelle being spiteful/emotionally abusive to her eleven year old brother, Jordan, yet again.

He saved up so hard and finally bought the Nintendo game of his dreams, while she was out at a friend’s, and when she got back he made it so clear that he’d love to show it to her and even share it with her.

I had a very strong hunch that it was a mistake to tell her what he wanted so badly from her, and  when I got up from my two hour Sunday afternoon nap, she hadn’t done him the little favour at all. On purpose. Not even for a minute.

I’d seen it coming so clearly.

I was overcome with fury!

I told her that I don’t know where I went wrong with her!

I yelled that she should go live with her grandmother, my narcissistic mother, because she’s spiteful just like her!

She immediately appeared at Jordan’s side where he was playing his new game, but it was too little, too late!!!

I threw the breadboard down in the kitchen and sent her to her room, telling her that until she can treat people with some love and respect she can just stay in her room, and I’ll knock when there’s food.

And I took her precious phone away, too, without knocking before entering anymore, either. Why the fuck should I be so good to her when she’s so fucking spiteful??

I don’t know what else I can do.

If she wants to run away, she can, but I’m not letting her abuse us anymore.

I always just calm down after I’ve laid out a punishment, and go back to being nice, hoping she’s learnt her lesson, but I simply can’t anymore:

she’s hurting my Jordan!


Clearly treating her with love and respect isn’t helping at all.

Maybe taking away all her privileges, including my kindness will help?

I don’t know!

A shrink wont help, this I know.

It’s a simple choice she has made: to be a covert abuser;

the fact that it’s covert, shows me that she knows exactly what she’s doing, so let her live with the consequences of her decision.

Maybe she’ll see the error of her ways?

I don’t know.

I will have to keep her off social media, as I’ve seen that she is emotionally abusive on there, and I will be keeping her interaction with us to the bare minimum;

I’m not sure until when.

They say there is no cure for narcissism, and I sure have decades of experience with narcs. I’m pretty sure that even if I take away all her privileges and social contact for a month, she’ll just be more careful not to be caught next time.

She’ll just get more and more covert.




Yesterday was my narc mother’s 71st birthday (we are No Contact with her, due to HER covert abuse).

Well, she might be getting Chantelle as her gift:

her dream come true.


I explained to Jordan why I’m so cross with Chantelle; that she hurts his feelings on purpose and that it’s not right, and that he deserves better.

Chantelle would bitchily imply I’m playing favourites, but I’m not:

it’s me protecting him because I have insight into the subtle abuse he’s being subjected to, as the same was done to me by MY narcissistic older sibling.

Why would she want to hurt such a lonely, sweet kid??

(I was a lonely, sweet kid, too)


I just texted  her boyfriend’s mom telling her to tell the boy that “I’ve confiscated her phone for the foreseeable future for covertly emotionally abusing her little brother”. I caught her hurting her boyfriend covertly just the other day, too! I wonder if he’ll understand what I’m talking about? She says his grandmother that they live with reminds her of her narc grandmother…

She’s hurt MY feelings on purpose, plenty of times, too, although with my near psychotic freak-outs, and subsequent stiff punishments, she did learn to be a lot more careful.

Like when she stayed silent and smirked at my pain when I told her how Jordan had told me my ex’s new girlfriend is so great, when she knew very well I was hinting strongly that I needed some comfort/reassurance;

and when she purposefully didn’t text me from her holiday away with with her friend in June, after I’d specifically asked her to…